Thursday, 20 August 2015

Gotta keep treading that water.

Posted by tracy watkiss at 10:31
A new day!!!!

Hello peeps, "BREATHE", I am knitting up a storm at the moment, lots of finished objects, I have even done a little bit of papercraft - making my own personal planner.

Today I try again, to be organised, healthier, fitter may follow. I hope to get craftier too.

I am on enforced time out again, not me this time - hubby.

Each day is a New day, a different day, every person we meet could be a new friend or just a different type of person, Every friend could become a happy memory, or someone we were once close too, Does not mean I like them less, just means its a new day with new rules, I still care about them. 

I am me and I have to except people are the way they are, as much as people should except me for who I am.



I need to explain I  wrote everything below before I wrote anything above this Little paragraph, I then was going to delete everything  I had written and start again as I felt it was all too much information but I just need to empty my head space of rubbish. Unlock the little door to my brain, shake out the garbage and make space for happy thoughts. 






Well it is 15 days since my last post.



I looked back on my last post today and saw I wrote this:

"Dale was taken a bit poorly last night so we have been up since 4.30 am, he seems to have settled down now although still achy."

Well it turned out that bit poorly was a full blown heart attack. which resulted in 7 days in hospital getting him settled and back home and a little wait to see what the way forward is.

Dale has given up cigarettes from that day and has not drunk alcohol either


*******

I see social media filled with mission statements and quotes about life changes, leaving friends behind, people come people go. Blahdy blah blah.

They have their worth don't get me wrong but I see more and more of it being used as a tool, as if people feeling they have been wronged by someone can use them in an attempt to say something without actually saying something.  

I found myself looking at these quotes over the last couple of days to see if anything could sum up my feelings and emotions. The answer was a big fat NO.  They were, still are in some circumstances in turmoil.

We have been fortunate and lucky Dale got the help he needed by our wonderful NHS, the service that is condemned and taken for granted so much.
The Staff were all amazing and tentative. We thank them.  

My mum was amazing as always, running around making sure I was feeding myself okay - she is a feeder LOL! (awesome august on weight watchers seized to exist from that day - I am a comfort eater).

My girls, sorry Our girls were there - Jo & Lee travelled down from Telford, I told them not too as at the time we were not sure what was going on. I was trying to be strong and realise I tend to push people away when I am doing that.( Yes! I ended up crying into my pillow a lot with huge snot ball for company - sorry TMI).

Dales sons visited whilst in hospital - opinions of Dale and myself are guarded. 

But other peoples reaction surprise me, I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed with the actions of friends and family.  Overwhelmed by old and new friends, some from years back getting in touch via the house phone. Underwhelmed from people I valued, not even acknowledging or saying "hey you two okay!"

I know we all lead busy lives, I am the first to admit I am not the type to count on in a family/ friend personal crisis, as I don't drive, I tend to get emotional and I would feel in the way - but I would message/text/tweet/fb/phone  to say hey you okay. 

What I am trying to say is these inspirational quotes only matter when you want them too, and people show their worth in their actions. 

My mum is a doer, in your face, right up their in the thick of it, needing to be needed - in a good way.

I am in the background - hey, hi, hug, let me know if you need me kind of person (unless you are my husband and then I am in his face, I WILL LOOK AFTER YOU, SPARE YOU FROM ALL EVIL, SUPERWOMAN PERSONA.)

I am not uncaring -  I take things personally I cannot help it, it is my make up. I would take time to ask the questions though.

I Know I Know I am rambling today. I have feelings I need to express, feelings of stupidity - why did I not recognise a heart attack. Feelings of helpfulness - I could not take away the pain or fear. 

Feelings of  anger that I am still tip toeing around  making sure I bite my tongue around Dale's family not upsetting them, AAAAARRGHH! I cannot even type here why I feel that way, it is not my story to tell. Quite frankly they are not worth the heartache. 





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